A Kentucky Derby Drinking Game

• By Ted on Sunday, May 1, 2011
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The 137th revival of the Greatest Two Minutes in Sports -- or the most complex allegory for Premature Ejaculation, coupled with fancy hats -- takes place Saturday in Kentucky.

This year's field has some strong names, per usual. It ranges from the legitimately sexual -- Midnight Interlude -- to the painfully-repressed memories place -- Uncle Mo -- to the 'that's what she said' category -- Brilliant Speed. All told, you can have a lot of fun with shooting the shite with your friends leading up to this race. 

Thing is, you're gonna need to drink. It makes everything better, and socially easier. (Pause for reflection.) The race itself is two minutes -- so ain't much going to be accomplished there. If you tune in when the hype actually starts -- sometime around 1pm -- you'll be a f'n train wreck by the time of the actual race. So, our suggestion is pretty simple: tune in around 4-4:30 and follow the 10 drinking game rules below. It should get the buzz going nicely by the time they hit the gates. Note of import: if you keep rolling at this pace post-7pm, you will embarass yourself. Also, it will be kind of odd, as announcers won't be referencing horses anymore, so where exactly are you getting your cues to drink? You need to seriously admit you have a problem. 

OK, we're rambling. Without further ado: the 2011 Kentucky Derby drinking game.

1. Whenever anyone mentions the horse 'Stay Thirsty,' take 1 sip.
2. Whenever any of the following terms are used, take 1 sip: 'slop,' 'rail,' 'mudder,' 'Baffert.'
3. If any long, drawn-out, sepia-toned features air on the horse (Eight Belles) that was killed on the track a few years ago, finish your drink.
4. When you see a man under 5-foot-3 doing anything (Bob Costas included), take 2 sips.
5. Trumpets? Take 2 sips.
6. When Hank Goldberg "breaks the banks," finish your drink.
7. Zany hats? Take 2 sips.
8. Any time someone calls the race "the most exciting two minutes in sports," take three sips.
9. If a horse with 10-1 odds or greater wins, finish your damn drink, son!
10. If it's a photo finish, then finish your drink, get another one, and pour it over the head of your friend out of a clear blue sky. When he/she asks what the hell you just did that for, explain that you'll need to consult photo evidence to confirm it happened. 

Bonus: If Stay Thirsty actually wins, finish your drink then proclaim to your bar/gathering, "Stay thirsty, bitches!" (ALT: "Stay thirsty, my friends" then immediately cue up six consecutive "Most Interesting Man in the World" clips.)

Have a rule that we should add to the list. Let us know in the comments below!