The Funniest Horse Names Ever
Let’s face the logistical facts of Derby Saturday: the race goes off around 6pm, right? Because it’s the central sporting focus of that day, most bars tend to be crowded. You need to roll up on a joint at around 4pm, maybe even sooner. But alas, that means two hours of conversation. What the hell are you going to discuss? Your Saturday, up until 4pm, couldn’t have been that interesting, right? ("I went to the gym, did some laundry, and perused things online. I considered brunch but the hangover got in the way.")
So here's a topic for you; it should get you at least 40 minutes of dialogue, if not more: the Best and Funniest Horse Names Ever. If you don’t understand the connection between that and the Kentucky Derby, please stop reading. If you want a list of horses that have only run in the Derby, we suggest reading this.
Before you head to the bar, read this hyperlink. It’s absolutely essential reading on this topic. What follows is our view of the Top 10 Humorous/Potentially Sexually Awkward Horse Names Ever. Enjoy, and feel free to comment or e-mail us. Please be advised, though: consider the company and your relationships to them before opening this discussion with “Cum Rocket.” Another awesome resource on horse names can be found here, as an aside.
1. She’s Easy (1978)
Potential announcer call down the stretch: “Oh My God… I can’t believe it… She’s Easy!” Sounds like a deleted scene audio from Animal House, no? Also, if you bring this up at a bar and someone is walking past you to the bathroom, they will instinctively glance at the females in your group, which is always fun. You know, implicating your female friends as whores. That’s fun. OK, so No. 2 …
2. Date More Minors (1998)
Speaks for itself. We’d never condone this, as a side note, although have you ever heard someone say, “If there’s grass on the field…” (finish that at your own peril). That’s gotta be one of the top five most disgusting clichés ever. Sounds like we’ve just created a future list topic.
3. Hoof Hearted
Watch this. Announcer call is amazing.
4. Oh No, It’s My Mother-in-Law
We’re nowhere near the point of having a mother-in-law, which currently seems like a good thing (‘cept when we’re sobbing and watching the Sex and the City movie, which admittedly only happens every five days). But the joke resonates for everyone: woman who consistently thinks you could be better, right? So you send her to the glue factory. Wait, what? Watch this clip.
5. DoReMiFaSaLaTiDo
Watch this. Absolutely amazing. The end is just epic. We promise it’s worth the 1:13.
6. Cum Rocket
Sorry, but this just had to get on here.
7. No Fat Chicks
Crazy sophomoric, but admit it, you chuckled a little bit when you read it.
8. Rhythm Method
Sidebar discussion: best birth control method? (“Prayer.”) This list got out of hand really fast.
9. ARRRRRRR
Simply amazing announcer call, if you can get all the way to the end. The transition from pirate noises back to regular conversation is what makes Tom Durkin (the announcer in question here) so special:
10. Blow Me
Long time ago, sure (1945), but seriously, who in the hell vetted this as a horse name? Did that form of foreplay not exist before the end of WW2? Did someone not think this could potentially be offensive?
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