The Five Best Sporting Days of the Year

• By Ted on Tuesday, April 21, 2009
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1. The First Day of the NCAA Tournament

The last few years, the first day hasn’t produced anything super-amazing; it’s mostly been “chalk.” The day still gets people absolutely giddy, though. We can’t give you a definitive reason for this, but we can do a lil’ speculation: no day on the sporting calendar ‘cept maybe Opening Day represents “hope” more than Day 1 of the Dance (hope is important because chances are, your life broadly lacks it); you get to say clever things to your boss, even when you take a six-hour lunch, come back, spend 25 minutes in the bathroom, and then proclaim “I’ll be working from home now;” it’s cool to put a fake Excel file file up when someone asks you what you’re doing (that’s called “Friday” for some of us) and there is just so much basketball (noon to midnight). Oh yea, and you bet on stuff too.

2. Super Bowl

In the last decade, there’s been some very good Super Bowls: Rams/Titans, Patriots/Rams, Patriots/Panthers (heck, even Pats/Eagles), Giants/Pats and Steelers/Cardinals. Even if the game sucks, though, it’s a rare day for you and your friends. Here comes the cliche… wait for it. It’s the original “Sunday Funday.” Here’s an example: last year during the SB, one of the guys who works on this site met the (attractive) (newly-single) sister of another guy who works on this site. Guy No. 1 says, all casual-like, “So, where do you live?” at which point, one of the guys hosting the event says from the kitchen, “SHUT IT DOWN.” You think that type of absolutely hilarious throw-your-social-comrades-under-the-bus stuff happens on a normal Sunday? Naw. That’s why it’s a “super” bowl. Bonus: you get fat and drunk and whenever anyone says, “Man, I have a lot of stuff to do tomorrow,” they get roundly crapped on.

3. Kentucky Derby

Truth. Use this joke this year: “This whole day is an analogy for premature ejaculation! You wait all day for something and it’s over in 2 minutes?” Then laugh, search for the most unhappy-looking couple at the bar, smile and wink at the girl and say, “She knows what I’m talking about.” You’ll love the day within seconds.

4. Conference Championship Sunday

Underrated: (a) games are usually good; (b) football for 7 hours, then not for two weeks (gotta savor it); (c) by the time the SB rolls around, sometimes it’s just become a social event but this is always a mix of “appreciating the games” and “getting needlessly drunk on a Sunday in January.”

5. Opening Day

Some people have this unequivocally No. 1; those people are typically called “over 51 years of age.” Baseball is awesome, and Opening Day is fun, but the problem is simple: it’s 1/162nd of the relevant stuff that will happen during a season. That’s like getting all hyped up for the first time Malin Akerman gets naked in a movie. Relax, gonzo. It’s going to happen again.